Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
