He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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