the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
