I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Randomize
