Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Randomize
