i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
