Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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