Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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