On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I wish life had little blips of pornography
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
