Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
