a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
