I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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