Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
