now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
