Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
