i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
