How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize