Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
