I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
