just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
