I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
The Olympian is in my bed
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize