at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize