i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
