soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
