You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
