yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
