I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
