I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
