when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize