look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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