I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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