Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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