You're completely useless in the revolution.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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