New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
