These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
