just tell him i said nine months
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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