I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
