Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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