I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
