so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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