When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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