His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
