He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
