Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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