you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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