Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize