my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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