Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
