Yo dont text me then not text me
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
