When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
