I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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