ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize