Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
