I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
