I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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