My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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