I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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