you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
