He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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