you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
