There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I am naked and annoyed.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
