What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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